Important information for having a healthy holiday season

November 20th, 2011 No comments

The Gliates Industries ™ Test Kitchens and Clinical Research centers have been working overtime to get you the information you need to make the best possible nutritional and health lifestyle choices for the upcoming holidays and beyond.  Here are some FAQs sent by our readers that we have focused on and the answers are part of our “Feelin’ Good through Eatin’ Good” press release.  Sit back, chow down, enjoy, live long and prosper.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables.  So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.

Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories: Animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it. Don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually.  Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry. Our philosophy is: No Pain – Good.

Q: If I stop smoking, will I live longer?

A: Nope. Smoking is a sign of individual statement and peace of mind. If you stop, you’ll probably stress yourself to death in record time.

Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?

A: You’re not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: What’s the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? Cocoa beans… Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around!

We hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have some cookies… Flour is a veggie!

-By Ron Gliates ( I think. At least he sent me the email and it sounds like something he might write. )

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Why Trick or Treating is better than sex

October 30th, 2011 No comments
  1. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
  2. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
  3. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
  4. You don’t have to compliment the person who gives you some.
  5. It’s O.K. when the person you’re with fantasizes you’re someone else,
    because you are.
  6. Forty years from now you’ll still enjoy candy.
  7. If you don’t like what you get, you can always go next door.
  8. It doesn’t matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
  9. Less guilt the morning after.
  10. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD!

-unknown author

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Be careful of what you say

October 8th, 2011 No comments

Be careful of what you say…you might be influencing the history of the world!

On July 20, 1969, as commander of the Apollo 11Lunar Module, Neil Armstrong was the first person to set foot on the moon. His first words after stepping on the moon, “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind,” were televised to Earth and heard by millions.

But just before he reentered the lander, he made the enigmatic remark: “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky.” Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut. However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck, Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.

On July 5, 1995, in Tampa Bay, Florida, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded. Mr. Gorsky had died, and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. In 1938 when he was a kid in a small midwest town, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard. His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in his neighbor’s yard by the bedroom windows. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky. As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky. “Sex! You want sex?! You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

True story

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Kids today have it SO easy

October 6th, 2011 No comments

When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious  diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what  with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both ways  through year ’round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on their  backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A  average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile  mill where they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their  family from starving to death!

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up there was no way in  hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on kids about how hard  I had it and how easy they’ve got it! But…. Now that I’ve reached the  ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can’t help but look around and notice the  youth of today.

You’ve got it so fuckin’ ‘easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you  live in a god damned Utopia! And I hate to say it but you kids today you  don’t know how good you’ve got it! I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t  have The Internet–we wanted to know something, we had to go to the  god damned library and look it up ourselves! And there was no email! We  had to actually write somebody a letter–with a pen!–and then you had  to walk all the way across the street and put it in the fuckin’ mailbox  and it would take like a week to get there!

And there were no MP3s or Napsters! You wanted to steal music, you had  to go to the god damned record store and shoplift it yourself! Or we had  to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ’d usually  talk over the beginning and fuck it all up! You want to hear about  hardship? You couldn’t just download porn! You had to bribe some  homeless dude to buy you a copy of “Hustler” at the 7-11! It was either  that or jackoff to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalog! Those  were your options!

We didn’t have fancy STUFF like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone  and somebody else called they got a busy signal! And we didn’t have  fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the the phone rang, you had no idea  who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent, your  drug dealer, you didn’t know!!! You just had to pick it up and take your  chances, mister! And we didn’t have any fancy Sony Playstation  videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!  With games like “Space Invaders” and “Asteroids” and the graphics sucked  ass! Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And  there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen  forever! And you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and  faster until you died! Just like LIFE!

When you went to the movie theater there no such thing as stadium  seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy sat in front of  you, you were screwed! And sure, we had cable television, but back then  that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu! You had  to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! And  there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on Saturday  morning……D’ya hear what the fuck I’m saying!?! We had to wait ALL  WEEK, you spoiled little bastards! That’s exactly what I’m talking  about! You kids today have got it too easy You’re spoiled, I swear to  God! You guys wouldn’t last five minutes back in 1984!

-author unknown

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Jedi Mind Trick

October 4th, 2011 No comments

This little Jedi mind trick is kinda freaky, till you think about it a little while. Then it’s even more weird. Just follow the instructions below:

DON’T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly. FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you can!

What is:

2+2?

4+4?

8+8?

16+16?

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5.

Got it?

Now scroll down…

The number you picked was 7, right?

Isn’t that weird???
Free will or synaptic wiring?  You be the judge.

Check out the following exercise, guaranteed to freak you out.

There’s no trick or surprise.  Just follow these instructions, and answer the questions one at a time and as quickly as you can!

Again, as quickly as you can but don’t advance until you’ve done each of them…really.

Now, ARROW down

(but not too fast, you might miss something)…

What is:

1+5

2+4

3+3

4+2

5+1

Now repeat saying the number 6 to yourself as fast as you can for 15 seconds. Then scroll down.

QUICK!!!  THINK OF A VEGETABLE!  Then arrow down.

Keep going.

You’re thinking of a carrot right?
If not, you’re among the 2% of the population whose minds are warped enough to think of something else. 98% of people will answer with carrot when given this exercise.  Freaky, huh?

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How to use the ATM

October 1st, 2011 No comments

MALE PROCEDURE

  1. Drive up to the cash machine
  2. Wind down your car window
  3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
  4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
  5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
  6. Wind up window
  7. Drive off

FEMALE PROCEDURE

  1. Drive up to cash machine
  2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window to machine
  3. Re-start the stalled engine
  4. Wind down the window
  5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card
  6. Locate make-up bag and check make-up in rear view mirror
  7. Attempt to insert card into machine
  8. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car
  9. Insert card
  10. Re-insert card the right way up
  11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
  12. Enter PIN
  13. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN
  14. Enter amount of cash required
  15. Re-check make up in rear view mirror
  16. Retrieve cash and receipt
  17. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside
  18. Place receipt in back of cheque book
  19. Drive forwards 7 feet
  20. Reverse back to cash machine
  21. Retrieve card
  22. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided
  23. Re-check make-up again
  24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
  25. Drive for 3 to 4 miles
  26. Release hand brake

-author unknown

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You Just Might Be A Rebpublican if . . .

September 30th, 2011 No comments
  • You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.
  • You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and Deduction two”
  • You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just
    allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.
  • You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend”
  • You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.
  • You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.
  • The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they’re richer than you.
  • You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.
  • You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.
  • You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the sons of bitches.”
  • You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”
  • You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you watch it because
  • That Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.
  • You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”
  • You use any of these terms to describe your wife: Old ball and chain, little woman, old lady, tax credit…
  • When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”
  • You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”
  • You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.
  • You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.
  • You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”
  • You’ve ever referred to Anita Hill as a “lying bitch” while attending a Bob Packwood fund-raiser.
  • You’ve ever called education a luxury.
  • You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.
  • You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.
  • You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.
  • You’re afraid of the “liberal media.”
  • You’ve ever called the National Endowment for the Arts a bunch of pornographers.
  • You think all artists are gay.
  • You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to society.”
  • You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.
  • You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

-unknown author

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You Might be a Physics Major If . . .

September 28th, 2011 No comments

Due to the enormous workload involved in physics classes combined with stress and lack of sleep, physics students often forget (either by accident, defense mechanism, or intentionally) what their major really is. Thus, as a physics major, I took it upon myself to create a small list of indicators to help us all remember what we really are.

YOU MIGHT BE A PHYSICS MAJOR…

  • if you have no life – and you can PROVE it mathematically.
  • if you enjoy pain.
  • if you know vector calculus but you can’t remember how to do long division.
  • if you chuckle whenever anyone says “centrifugal force.”
  • if you’ve actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
  • if when you look in a mirror, you see a physics major.
  • if it is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
  • if you frequently whistle the theme song to “MacGyver.”
  • if you always do homework on Friday nights.
  • if you know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
  • if you think in “math.”
  • if you’ve calculated that the World Series actually diverges.
  • if you hesitate to look at something because you don’t want to break down its wave function.
  • if you have a pet named after a scientist.
  • if you laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
  • if the Humane society has you arrested because you actually performed the Schrodinger’s Cat experiment.
  • if you can translate English into Binary.
  • if you can’t remember what’s behind the door in the science building which says “Exit.”
  • if you have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there’s a wind-chill factor in the lab.
  • If you are completely addicted to caffeine.
  • if you avoid doing anything because you don’t want to contribute to the eventual heat-death of the universe.
  • if you consider ANY non-science course “easy.”
  • if when your professor asks you where your homework is, you claim to have accidentally determined its momentum so precisely, that according to Heisenberg it could be anywhere in the universe.
  • if the “fun” center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
  • if you’ll assume that a “horse” is a “sphere” in order to make the math easier.
  • if you understood more than five of these indicators.
  • if you make a hard copy of this list, and post it on your door.
  • If these indicators apply to you, there is good reason to suspect that you might be classified as a physics major. I hope this clears up any confusion.

Created by Jason Lisle

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Y2K Poem

September 26th, 2011 No comments


To the tune of Gilligan’s Island….

Just sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
Of the doom that is our fate.
That started when programmers used
Two digits for a date.
Two digits for a date.

“Main memory was smaller then;
Hard disks were smaller, too.
Four digits are extravagant,
So let’s get by with two.
So let’s get by with two.”

“This works through 1999,”
The programmers did say.
“Unless we rewrite before that
It all will go away.
It all will go away.”

But management had not a clue:
“It works fine now, you bet!
A rewrite is a straight expense;
We won’t do it just yet.
We won’t do it just yet.”

Now when 2000 rolls around
It all goes straight to hell,
For zero is less than ninety-nine,
As anyone can tell.
As anyone can tell.

The mail won’t bring your pension check
It won’t be sent to you
When you’re no longer sixty-eight,
But minus thirty-two.
But minus thirty-two.

The problems we’re about to face
Are frightening, it’s for sure.
And reading every line of code is
The only certain cure.
The only certain cure.

There’s not much time,
There’s too much code,
(And cobol-coders few)
When the century is finished with,
We may be finished too.
We may be finished too.

Eight thousand years from now
I hope that things weren’t left too late.
And people aren’t then lamenting
Four digits for a date.
Four digits for a date.

-Author unknown

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Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

September 24th, 2011 No comments


Aristotle: To actualize its potential.

Roseanne Barr: Urrrrrp. What chicken?

George Bush: To face a kinder, gentler thousand points of headlights.

Julius Caesar: To come, to see, to conquer.

Candide: To cultivate its garden.

Bill the Cat: Oop Ack.

Buddha: If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.

Moses: Know ye that it is unclean to eat the chicken that has crossed the road, and that the chicken that crosseth the road doth so for its own preservation.

Joseph Conrad: Mistah Chicken, he dead.

Howard Cosell: It may very well have been one of the most astonishing events to grace the annals of history. An historic, unprecedented avian biped with the temerity to attempt such an herculean achievement formerly relegated to homo sapien pedestrians is truly a remarkable occurrence.

Salvador Dali: The Fish.

Salvador Dali-2: The only difference between me and a chicken, is that I am not a chicken. -idano

Darwin: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Thomas Dequincy: Because it ran out of opium.

Rene Descartes: It had sufficient reason to believe it was dreaming anyway.

Emily Dickinson: Because it could not stop for death.

Bob Dylan: How many roads must one chicken cross?

TS Eliot: Weialala leia / Wallala leialala.

TS Eliot (revisited): Do I dare to cross the road?

Epicurus: For fun.

Paul Erdos: It was forced to do so by the chicken-hole principle.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Basil Fawlty: Oh, don’t mind that chicken. It’s from Barcelona.

Gerald R. Ford: It probably fell from an airplane and couldn’t stop its forward momentum.

Sigmund Freud: The chicken obviously was female and obviously interpreted the pole on which the crosswalk sign was mounted as a phallic symbol of which she was envious, selbstverstaendlich.

Robert Frost: To cross the road less traveled by.

Zsa Zsa Gabor: It probably crossed to get a better look at my legs, which, thank goodness, are good, dahling.

Gilligan: The traffic started getting rough; the chicken had to cross. If not for the plumage of its peerless tail the chicken would be lost, the chicken would be lost!

Johann Friedrich von Goethe: The eternal hen-principle made it do it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Werner Heisenberg: We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Adolf Hitler: It needed Lebensraum.

David Hume: Out of custom and habit.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Lee Iacocca: It found a better car, which was on the other side of the road.

John Paul Jones: It has not yet begun to cross!

Martin Luther King: It had a dream.

James Tiberius Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Stan Laurel: I’m sorry, Ollie. It escaped when I opened the run.

Leda: Are you sure it wasn’t Zeus dressed up as a chicken? He’s into that kind of thing, you know.

Gottfried Von Leibniz: In this best possible world, the road was made for it to cross.

Groucho Marx: Chicken? What’s all this talk about chicken? Why, I had an uncle who thought he was a chicken. My aunt almost divorced him, but we needed the eggs.

Karl Marx: To escape the bourgeois middle-class struggle.

Gregor Mendel: To get various strains of roads.

John Milton: To justify the ways of God to men.

Alfred E. Neumann: What? Me worry?

Sir Isaac Newton: Chickens at rest tend to stay at rest. Chickens in motion tend to cross the road.

Jack Nicholson: ‘Cause it (censored) wanted to. That’s the (censored) reason.

Thomas Paine: Out of common sense.

Michael Palin: Nobody expects the banished inky chicken!

Wolfgang Pauli: There already was a chicken on the other side of the road.

Pyrrho the Skeptic: What road?

Ronald Reagan: I forget.

Georg Friedrich Riemann: The answer appears in Dirichlet’s lectures.

John Sununu: The Air Force was only too happy to provide the transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the opportunity.

Mr. Scott: ‘Cos ma wee transporter beam was na functioning properly. Ah canna work miracles, Captain!

William Shakespeare: I don’t know why, but methinks I could rattle off a hundred-line soliloquy without much ado.

Sisyphus: Was it pushing a rock, too?

Socrates: To pick up some hemlock at the corner druggist.

The Sphinx: You tell me.

Mr. T: If you saw me coming you’d cross the road too!

Brad Templeton: Do you think I have time to answer questions like that? I’m not a riddle-answering service. Anyway, I’ve heard it before.

Margaret Thatcher: There was no alternative.

Dylan Thomas: To not go (sic) gentle into that good night.

Henry David Thoreau: To live deliberately … and suck all the marrow out of life.

Mark Twain: The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

George Washington: Actually it crossed the Delaware with me back in 1776. But most history books don’t reveal that I bunked with a birdie during the duration.

Mae West: I invited it to come up and see me sometime.

Walt Whitman: To cluck the song of itself.

William Wordsworth: To have something to recollect in tranquility.

Molly Yard: It was a hen!

Henny Youngman: Take this chicken … please.

Zeno of Elea: To prove it could never reach the other side.

Additions:

Hannibal: If by road you mean the Alps then it did it to attack Rome, for no chicken is a friend of that city. -dan florio

Heracleitus: I don’t know why it crossed the road, but I do know that it cannot cross the same road twice. -dan florio

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